Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Dark Clouds Keep Hiding My Silver Linings
The same conversations, the same horrible issues, the same empty promises, the same attitudes, trying to read between the same lines. Nothing ever changes.
So, I realize that if i want my silver lining, I have to go to find it. Its definitely not going to come to me.
I can not concern myself with the needs of others when the needs of others always seem to supersede the needs of myself. I will not concern myself to the happiness of others when others are not concerned with the happiness I am in search of.
I will never disregard the needs of those around me, but I am going to stop putting myself on the back burner. If my good intentions are never enough, if my efforts are never enough, If my actions never enough, If I am never enough for those around me...so be it! They were never going be enough anyway.
I have always had to live my life with the expectation that I had to do for somebody else, be there for somebody else, always make sure somebody else is happy. Always trying to fulfill the expectations of the very people who claim to have none. I'm always trying to give somebody else their silver lining and never being provided the opportunity to have mine.
I need to make sure I am okay. I need to figure out how I feel about myself rather that believe in the opinions of others.
Everyone has opinions and judgements of everyone else. Often times those opinions and judgements are built around how much you are willing to benefit them. If you give them what they want, your the angel they can not live without and the moment you don't, you then become the vein of their existence.
I spend much of my days trying not to become the vein of someones existing. The result is me walking on somebody else's eggshells.
My silver lining is stuck somewhere deep inside of me. I just need to find it. I need to find my own happiness. For once!