Dark Clouds Keep Hiding My Silver Linings

I try to wake up every morning hoping today will be different than yesterday. Just as I woke up yesterday hoping it would be different than the day before that. However it seems like there day clouds keep hiding the silver linings. Today seems to be the same as the days that preceded and the days to come will be the same as today.

The same conversations, the same horrible issues, the same empty promises, the same attitudes, trying to read between the same lines. Nothing ever changes.

So, I realize that if i want my silver lining, I have to go to find it. Its definitely not going to come to me.

I can not concern myself with the needs of others when the needs of others always seem to supersede the needs of myself. I will not concern myself to the happiness of others when others are not concerned with the happiness I am in search of.

I will never disregard the needs of those around me, but I am going to stop putting myself on the back burner. If my good intentions are never enough, if my efforts are never enough, If my actions never enough, If I am never enough for those around me...so be it! They were never going be enough anyway.

I have always had to live my life with the expectation that I had to do for somebody else, be there for somebody else, always make sure somebody else is happy. Always trying to fulfill the expectations of the very people who claim to have none. I'm always trying to give somebody else their silver lining and never being provided the opportunity to have mine.

I need to make sure I am okay. I need to figure out how I feel about myself rather that believe in the opinions of others.

Everyone has opinions and judgements of everyone else. Often times those opinions and judgements are built around how much you are willing to benefit them. If you give them what they want, your the angel they can not live without and the moment you don't, you then become the vein of their existence.

I spend much of my days trying not to become the vein of someones existing. The result is me walking on somebody else's eggshells.

My silver lining is stuck somewhere deep inside of me. I just need to find it. I need to find my own happiness. For once!

Beautiful Depression

The 'Silent Stalker', the 'Noonday Demon', the 'Black Cloud', what ever you want to call it...'IT' can paralyze your world and bring your soul to it's knees.

You can feel fine one moment, and falling into a dark abyss the next.

One minute your living in a world of bliss, and the next your dying in a realm of misery.

'IT' appears out of nowhere, latches onto every part of your being, and consumes your mind, body, and spirit. You don't see color anymore rather only shades of grey.

If 'IT' is as immersed in your life as 'IT' is in mine, you aren't able to hide from 'IT', 'IT' finds you no matter where you are.

If 'IT' is as transfixed with you as 'IT' seems to be with me, 'IT' will segregate you from any and everyone you ever even thought you cared about.

You are fooled into believing that 'IT's' existence has died, only to witness 'IT's' resurrection just as the wounds once last left behind begin to heal.

'IT' becomes so much a part of you that some, like me, have tried to cut 'IT' out with a blade. Slicing over and over and over again brainwashed into thinking that harming yourself will cripple the nemisis. In the end each cut of the knife only makes 'IT' stronger.

'IT' can become so much a part of you, that 'IT' can transmit to your children, and your children's children.

You don't know how to explain 'IT' so you don't tell anyone about 'IT'. You don't know how you got 'IT' so you don't know how to get rid of 'IT'.

So instead you embrace 'IT'. Accepting the ever increasing grip 'IT' has on you. Day after Day. Month after Month. Year after Year. Treasuring the moments 'IT' loosens it's grasp, making the most of the times 'IT' allows you to breathe.

You don't have to understand depression for your life to be effected by it. Depression is an unseen enemy that could be walking hand in hand with someone you know.

Depression may be the intruder that has taken over your own life!

(This is a post I felt necesarry to post on all of my Blogs)

The following websites provide valuable resources, support and materials for a variety of mental illnesses.

Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance – DBSA
Support, educational materials, brochures, resources for family members, and much more.
Walkers In Darkness
Provides information and support for anyone dealing with mental illness.
Counselor
Largest informational database containing information on mental health news and resources.
National Alliance on Mental Illness – NAMI
Grassroots organization dedicated to improving the lives of persons living with serious mental illness.
National Institute of Mental Health – NIMH
Largest scientific organization in the world dedicated to research focused on the understanding, treatment, and prevention of mental disorders and the promotion of mental health. Free brochures and more.
National Mental Health Consumers’ Self-Help Clearinghouse
Offers news and alerts, training curricula, resources, publications, technical assistance and a consumer driver services directory